Review

Review Date: 9-May-04
Spoiler Rating: Low
Juju Judgment: Junk

Van Helsing (2004)

I have never seen the classic monster movies from which writer/director Stephen Sommers ("The Mummy") reputedly draws his inspiration, but if they're even 10 percent as horrible as "Van Helsing," I hope I never do. The story, the dialogue, the special effects, the much-talked-about (and very expensive) sets, the editing: everything in this film sucks, and not in a rompish, cheeseball, I-vant-your-blood kind of way. I don't mean to shock you, but not even an image of the preternaturally beautiful Hugh Jackman in a loincloth can save this bucket of bolts; if this flick is any indication of what Hollywood has in store for summer, I'd prefer to shove a stake through my heart right now.

Universal's overblown marketing campaign touted "Van Helsing" as an homage to the old Dracula, Frankenstein, and Wolf-Man movies, but Sommers, that master of restraint, also mixes "Star Wars," "The Matrix," James Bond, and Indiana Jones into his ludicrous tale of the domestic troubles of vampires in a land where every ceiling has a hanging rope and every road leads to a ravine. With a dingy look and hideous gothic soundtrack, the movie attempts to breathe lucrative life into an obscure literary character named Van Helsing (Jackman), a man without a past who hunts down monsters by order of a clandestine society based in the Vatican. The would-be hero is sent to Transylvania with a randy friar (LOTR's David Wenham, a long way from Middle Earth), where he teams with the last member of an ancient family sworn to destroy Count Dracula. This important personage is, of course, a hottie in tight black clothing (Kate Beckinsale), for whom the vendetta has become personal.

The plot, such as it is, concerns the desire of Dracula (Richard Roxburgh) to experience the joys of fatherhood with his three buxom brides (truly the dumbest characters in recent memory), which requires the services of both a werewolf (his mostly willing servant) and the Frankenstein monster (an unwilling captive). Van Helsing labors to foil the count's nefarious plan because he was told to, and because he wants to help the damsel in distress, and because he discovers that he's connected to the dark lord through events in his past which I can't describe with any accuracy, because by the time they were explained I wasn't able to pay attention.

Jackman slogs along as best he can, smoldering on cue, performing dangerous stunts, and exuding a manly aura, but it's obvious he isn't having any fun. Wenham ought to be flogged just for his hair, and as for Beckinsale, if this doesn't put the nail in the coffin of her career, nothing will. (Those lines! That accent! That ridiculous costume!) I almost empathized with the humiliation she must be feeling, since it was only my aversion to public embarrassment that kept me from collapsing in complete hysterics during the final scene, which would have made a fitting end to a camp classic if the rest of the picture were funny-terrible instead of just terrible-terrible.

The oh-so-creative minds behind "Van Helsing" expect to launch a series of monster blockbusters, but if there's a god in heaven, or a secret order of anti-demonic cardinals, or any way of stemming the tide of evil whatsoever, that will never come to pass.

Copyright © 2004 The Jujube (M. I. Kim). All rights reserved.