Review

Review Date: 14-May-06
Spoiler Rating: Low
Juju Judgment: Just OK

Poseidon (2006)

The ship may weigh 70,000 tons, but "Poseidon" is entirely fluff.

This should surprise no one, so I don't say it accusatorially. Wolfgang Petersen's latest sea yarn (weaker than "The Perfect Storm," leagues away from "Das Boot") is based on 1972's "The Poseidon Adventure," which by all accounts is classic cheese. Combine this lineage with the preview of the flick, and potential viewers should be aware that "Poseidon" is situated in the high Cs (or low-grade Bs) and is solely for those seeking a respite from housework, errands, or other manifestations of reality. If you approach it with adequately low expectations, it manages to get the job done.

The plot is simple:

Big ship.
Bigger wave.
Ship turns upside-down.
People try to stay alive.

The people in this version are portrayed by Josh Lucas (young, manly), Kurt Russell (older, manly), Jacinda Barrett (young, pretty), Emmy Rossum (younger, pretty), Mike Vogel (tweeny dreamy), Jimmy Bennett (prepubescent), Richard Dreyfuss (respectably Oscared), Andre Braugher (black), and Mia Maestro (Hispanic, good at shrieking). Each character has a personal story that's supposed to generate interest or sympathy — one's a selfish rogue; one's gay and brokenhearted; one (played by Kevin Dillon) is the most embarrassing role in recent memory; etc. — but they're all watered-down and forgettable. The real story is who will die and what explosive, exciting, or visually cool obstacles will block their way to survival.

When the ship goes belly-up in as goofy a bit of CGI as you'll ever see (the effects, I must say, are substandard), these folks take matters in their own hands and start clawing their way to the hull to reach the surface (minus Braugher, who does the captain's thing by trusting his vessel). In the absence of caring, the deaths don't pack a punch, but there is one obstacle that makes for a gripping scene. This is when the company wedges itself into a ventilation shaft like a living totem pole, one above the other, with the exit barred on top, a hysterical woman in the middle, and water quickly rising at the bottom. At this point the thrill of "Poseidon" soaks in. From then on you're invested enough to see the crew through to the end. Then it's back out into the open air, where reality takes over again.

Copyright © 2006 The Jujube (M. I. Kim). All rights reserved.