Review

Review Date: 9-July-06
Spoiler Rating: Low
Juju Judgment: Junk

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest (2006)

Let us pause for a moment and contemplate the sad, cruel turn of the tide.

Back in 2003 — Oh, happier time! — we escaped the summer heat with the Pirates of the Caribbean and enjoyed every heave and swell. They were fun, they were charming, and they revived the tradition of high seas swashbuckling for a whole new generation of fans. But now in this accursed age we find ourselves waylaid, battered, and despoiled of innocence and our very memories themselves. What happened to you, Jack Sparrow? How now, Elizabeth Swann? What island, Will Turner, bears the bones of your dewy youth? Alas, all is wrack and ruin and there's no more wind in our sails. Disney has taken our beloved pirates and run them into the ground.

How to describe the flotsam that is "Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest?" I can just hear the returning filmmakers saying, "We brought back everybody from the first movie, so what's not to love?", and that's as good a place to begin as any. Given the Hollywood rule that sequels must have More, was it really necessary to recycle every last character from chapter one? Would it not have been better (and mercifully shorter) to ramp up the volume and action while sending Captain Jack (Johnny Depp), pretty Elizabeth (Keira Knightley), and prettier Will (Orlando Bloom) on an adventure with new challenges and new faces? Or better yet, to craft an original story that allowed the central characters to win our hearts again or even, gasp, to grow?

Nay, the self-referential digressions are used to prop up the skimpy plot, which finds Jack indebted to the undead Davy Jones (Bill Nighy, the only noteworthy newbie) and everybody scrambling to find his legendary chest. Trim the fat and what's left consists mostly of Depp dialing in the schtick that made him famous, to the painful accompaniment of dopey music. A modicum of humor is generated therefrom, like a scene where he's skewered with tropical fruits, but it doesn't excuse all the rest. (A love triangle? Pa-lease!) Nor do the merely adequate special effects, such as Jones' crustacean-y crew and a kraken that's gratuitously hauled out twice. As for the ending, it can only be regarded as an act of inexcusable hubris, since it reintroduces yet another old character and actually expects us to salivate like parched castaways at the thought of the sequel's sequel. Yo ho, No! All the ending did for me was elicit a sigh of relief. If morbid curiosity ever challenges my newfound dislike, it'll still take a good bit of rum to make me sail with these pirates again.

Copyright © 2006 The Jujube (M. I. Kim). All rights reserved.