Review

Review Date: 16-April-07
Spoiler Rating: Low
Juju Judgment: Junk

Pathfinder (2007)

Oh, once there was a Viking lad,
Who had a heart, unlike his dad.
They plied the waves with curving prow
To "America," as we say now,
And when the natives Pa did kill
The boy refused, though having skill.

Orphaned then and left alone,
Our hero made the tribe his home,
A pale-skinned, blue-eyed Indian,
Destined to meet his kin again,
When he was grown, and ships returned,
And what he sought had to be earned.

A "pathfinder" he was, you see,
Or that's the name of his movie,
A bloody, grimy, choppy wreck
With no invention, not one speck,
Beyond the neat hypothesis
So worth a better show than this.

One chase scene with a sled or two
Is all this picture has that's new,
And even that's more of the same
We've seen before and ends up lame.
It's all one boring action shot,
To match the cardboard cast and plot.

Karl Urban's fine half-dressed in rags,
But he dons clothes, the movie drags.
As a wise old elder, Russell Means
Gets stuck in wise-old-elder scenes,
While Moon Bloodgood, the token chick,
Does a shampoo ad within the flick.

But actors need to making a living,
"Pathfinder"'s crew I'm not forgiving.
As director, Marcus Nispel's trash.
His editor deserves the lash.
What clumsy fights and messy cuts,
These filmmakers are dumb or nuts!

The guy behind the camera's blind,
Or else he too has lost his mind.
Shot in a murky, greyish tone
It's eye chopped liver, not Toblerone.
They may all think that I'm a jerk —
Their movie is just shoddy work.

Copyright © 2007 The Jujube (M. I. Kim). All rights reserved.