Review

Review Date: 9-August-09
Spoiler Rating: Low
Juju Judgment: Just OK

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009)

It is becoming difficult to review movies like G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, second-string action flicks which follow clichés to the letter and are almost indistinguishable one from the other. They are loud, built around brainless plots and special effects, and stocked with cookie-cutter roles filled by actors who are up-and-coming, over-the-hill, slumming, or going nowhere. I rarely despise these flicks (except when they approximate torture, like Stealth) because they set such a low bar for themselves that I have to admit they deliver. But I struggle to think of something to say about one which I haven't said about another. My opinion comes down to things like whether I find an actor or character attractive, or whether one scene stands out as notably comic or visually stunning.

With the exception of Dennis Quaid, whose role is a slummer's cameo, I do not find any of the players in G.I. Joe attractive nor any of the scenes notable. So let's see …. The movie stars Channing Tatum, who falls into either the up-and-coming or going-nowhere category — only time will tell. He is Duke, the ultimate apple-pie-loving soldier who, after the opening round of pyrotechnics, joins a multicultural squad of superwarriors collectively known as G.I. Joe. It goes without saying that Duke has a comic sidekick who is black (Marlon Wayans). Just ONCE I would like to see the black guy as the central hero and a white guy as the secondary buffoon. That would be such a stroke of individuality and a break from repellent tradition that I'd be tempted to grant the movie the highest possible rating on the spot.

It also goes without saying that Duke has eyes for a hot chick in tight clothing (Sienna Miller). She is The One That Got Away, now reappearing as a baroness in the employ of an arms manufacturer (Christopher Eccleston) who wants to take over the world. The lady is out to steal a set of high-tech missiles which Duke has been ordered to protect, and when she succeeds the Joes pursue her and her henchmen through Paris and then to the villain's den beneath a polar ice cap. (The Paris action is decent, the underwater scenes silly but inoffensive.) Meanwhile, a flaccid subplot unfolds around a second pair with a past, martial arts experts who were childhood rivals and now meet again on opposite sides of the conflict.

G.I. Joe takes pains to set up a sequel, optimistically anticipating another opportunity to line the coffers at Hasbro (the toy company which profits from the Transformers movies as well). If the sequel doesn't pan out, something else will take its place on the production line of pea-brained escapism. For those of us who foolishly promote these products, it will amount to much the same thing.

Copyright © 2009 The Jujube (M. I. Kim). All rights reserved.