Review

Review Date: 21-May-06
Spoiler Rating: Medium
Juju Judgment: Junk

The Da Vinci Code (2006)

Forgive me, Dan Brown, for I have sinned: I'm one of the 28 literate adults in the western world who hasn't read The Da Vinci Code. You see, I was counting on Ron Howard to dial me into your phenomenon. But instead of answers, his movie has given me a question, namely:

This is it?

This is the story that has been on the bestseller list since before that poor baby was a gleam in Britney's eye? This is the act of heresy that has so many Christians' panties in a bunch? This is the adventure on which Columbia Pictures is erecting its summer tent pole? Jesus Christ! (Or should I say, Golly!) I've come across this kind of thing before: it's what happens when Humanities majors take bong hits and try to one-up each other before heading out to a pro-choice rally or Renaissance Faire. Where's the big idea?

The theatrical version of "The Da Vinci Code" surely commits a sin, but it's not suggesting that Christ was human. (Hell, I couldn't care less if he was prone to flatulence and got off on wearing women's clothing.) The unforgivable sin of this movie is that it's dull as dishwater. Since when does a summer blockbuster exempt itself from the basics of escapism that holiday fluff like "National Treasure" respects? There's no fun whatsoever in this tale of a Harvard scholar and Parisian policewoman who meet over murder and become embroiled with religious cabals seeking the Holy Grail. For a movie based on a book, the characters are appallingly feeble. The nominal protagonist has no personality despite the best efforts of star Tom Hanks, and Audrey Tatou is only marginally more animated as his counterpart. As for the cop with ulterior motives (Jean Reno), why is he even in the picture? I'd swap all of their scenes for more time with Ian McKellen, who seems, as always, to be enjoying himself as a wealthy cripple out to rid the world of Christian tyranny. Just for kicks, I might even welcome more scenes with the naked and bloody monk (Paul Bettany) flagellating himself in an ecstasy of duty and devotion. No one's fooling me: we're supposed to find that sexy, which is the only good reason believers have to be offended by this dreck.

The movie limps along as awkwardly as McKellen's knight, going from one tourist venue to another with occasional stops for horrendous flashbacks and spates of dialogue meant to plug holes in the plot or viewers' ignorance. (I question its historical accuracy as much as its entertainment value, particularly as regards Christian-pagan warfare at the end of the Roman Empire.) Nobody ever appears in real jeopardy, and the chases and getaways are as boring as the musty clues. Furthermore, the film is over two hours long, has three consecutive endings (vile tempter!), and never explains what the title refers to (can one interpretative painting be a "code?"). I don't know if Dan Brown is to blame or not, but "The Da Vinci Code" isn't worth anybody getting excited about. It translates into a yawn.

Copyright © 2006 The Jujube (M. I. Kim). All rights reserved.