Review

Review Date: 31-August-08
Spoiler Rating: High
Juju Judgment: Junk

Babylon A.D. (2008)

Vin Diesel is vaguely interesting. Although Hollywood has treated him like another slice of macho beefcake, he possesses a gravitas which does not entirely depend on his deep voice. He looks like he might have a hidden reserve of intelligence or integrity, or at least more personality than one would expect from someone who makes a living off his biceps. In this respect he is well suited to sci-fi action flicks, where the hero needs to represent what is worth preserving in humankind while he pummels enemies to a pulp. Unfortunately, Pitch Black (2000) remains the only movie that has put Diesel's aptitude to good use. His latest outing is a shabby waste of money that signifies the dregs of summer.

Babylon A.D. opens to such dismal squalor — an anarchic Russia in the not-too-distant future — that I was forced to divert myself by considering whether the other people in the theater who were without earplugs were receiving brain damage from the preposterously loud sound system. But after a few minutes I began to pay attention to what Diesel's mercenary had got himself into. Hired to escort a young woman to America and protect her from uncertain foes, he starts his journey at a fanciful Mongolian convent where his charge (Mélanie Thierry) has been raised. The girl is accompanied by her adoptive mother (Michelle Yeoh), a tough cookie of nondescript character. (In this quality she is not alone.)

As soon as they hit the road, the young woman begins to evince powers of foretelling the future and understanding other creatures' souls. What makes her special, combined with Diesel's presence and a road trip to destiny, could have formed the basis of a story. Moviemaker Mathieu Kassovitz settles instead for half-baked ideas coupled with atrocious editing and camera work. The fight scenes are so choppy as to be unintelligible (Who is punching whom? Is that an elbow or a gun shaft?), and the explanation of the girl's origins and purpose is equally incoherent. Though not surprising, it is distasteful to see her experience her first lust for Diesel, whose incipient softness seems paternal. Ultimately the mysterious damsel is nothing more than a hot chick geared towards guys who have a jones for the Virgin Mary.

I had to snort at the egregiously embedded advertising for Coke Zero, which in a way explains the whole movie. This soda is targeted specifically at men who feel embarrassed by drinking a "women's" diet drink; that is, it aims to profit from a conviction that loads of men are shallow morons. Babylon A.D. suffers from being rooted in the same belief, a sad confidence that merely putting forth a he-man, a supermodel, a martial arts star, and a jumble of existential fripperies can justify a male-oriented product. Oh, how wrong that is.

Copyright © 2008 The Jujube (M. I. Kim). All rights reserved.