Review

Review Date: 11-April-04
Spoiler Rating: Low
Juju Judgment: Junk

The Alamo (2004)

Davy Crockett's remembered for his coonskin cap;
Jim Bowie, a long pointy knife.
And I will remember their film, "Alamo,"
As the dullest two hours of my life.

I squirmed at the staging, I squirmed at the lines,
I squirmed at all it had to tell.
Before it was done I wished and I prayed
Santa Anna'd come kill me as well.

The film takes a page from the history books
(A legend, and not just a blip),
And hacks it, saps it, numbs it so much
You really could not give a rip.

Billy Bob Thornton plays Crockett, the star,
A phony who milks tabloid fame.
His PR machine may have fooled Tennessee
But in Texas he must earn his name.

He gets his big chance when he carelessly lands
Smack dab in the thick of a fight
Between "Texian" troops and their Mexican foe,
Santa Anna, who appears overnight.

The Americans' keep was built as a church
But a fortress sprung up in its stead.
It's poorly defended and run by two men
Who're constantly at loggerheads.

One, name of Travis, is smart and well-bred,
But he carries some guilt on his chest.
(Patrick Wilson's performance turns this guy into
the one character worth interest.)

The other is Bowie, a Southern fried hunk
(Jason Patric supplies him with looks).
He's meant to be rugged, but he just made me think
Of those hairy-chest Fabio books.

Surrounded, outnumbered, these three men must show
What makes them the cream of the crop.
The movie adores them and asks us to hate
Santa Anna, just 'cause he's a fop.

But I didn't adore them; they bored me to tears.
They have Moments, but lack vital souls.
They do not invoke the ghosts of real men,
But the staleness of commonplace roles.

And the dream or the cause that drove them to fight?
What was it that made them tempt Fate?
There's a speech made by Travis on this point midway,
But by then it's too little, too late.

At the helm, John Lee Hancock seems weary and glum,
Like he's ticking off things on a list.
He relies on a soundtrack that might have hit home
In a much better movie than this.

And here's one more thing that I offer as proof
"The Alamo"'s nothing but rot:
Dennis Quaid, as Sam Houston, comes in now and then
And he's really and truly un-hot!

That's a bad sign, and should make one think twice
Before shelling out dough for this dud.
It's not about courage, country, or home,
But pride and the cheap loss of blood.

Because, in the end (if the film's at all true),
The whole U.S. legend falls flat.
A big army killed a small one, for land.
Tell me, what is so great about that?

Copyright © 2004 The Jujube (M. I. Kim). All rights reserved.